


It's the end of the world as we know it

by solanummm



Category: Cabin Pressure, Doctor Who
Genre: This is ridiculous and i apologize
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-03-13
Packaged: 2018-03-05 09:27:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3114857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solanummm/pseuds/solanummm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur frowned. 'No tentacles? Bit of a rubbish alien.'</p>
<p>'Oi,' said the Doctor. 'I thought we'd decided that I was brilliant?'</p>
<p>'Well obviously everyone's brilliant.' said Arthur.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Welcome to MJN air

'Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. There is no cause for concern, but if you wish to be concerned, please feel free to do so. By some, small mistake, a member of the crew serving you today has released a rat into the cabin. However, there should be no need to worry, because I have brought my cat on board today. She is an excellent mouser, and I'm sure her skills extend to rats, because she attacks literally anything that moves. Accordingly after we have released her to catch the rat - possibly sacrificing a couple of fingers, so I hope none of you feel particularly attached to them in the physical or metaphorical sense, we shall be releasing the pilot’s Jack Russell. Small dog, excellent at catching cats - also excellent at catching fleas, so you will all require a thorough shower after we call him back up to the cockpit. Luckily, the pilot has thought of this too, and we shall be opening the windows as we go through a thundercloud in the hope that the rain pours in through them and washes you clean.'

\------

'I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with... with...' Arthur tailed off, wearing his best thinking face, glancing around the small control room for anything that might give him inspiration.

'What's the matter?' asked Douglas scornfully, 'Forgotten the rest of the alphabet? Because if you really, really try, I bet you can guess the letter that comes after Q without me telling you.'

'No, it's just that,' Arthur tailed off again, 'It's just that there's not a lot up here, is there? I mean after 'P' for plane, 'S' for sky, 'C' for cloud, and 'A' for another cloud, it all gets a bit boring.'

'Yes,' nodded Martin 'Because that's when it gets boring. Not after we've been trying to guess what begins with 'K' for ten minutes, only to find out you don't know how to spell controls.'

'But really though,' moaned Arthur. 'I'm bored. And I've never been bored before. It's not as fun as people make it out to be.'

'Who on earth says that being bored is fun?' asked Martin, spinning at the controls, to check that no warning lights were silently flashing, as the speakers that would normally emit any beeping or whining, had very usefully broken about an half an hour ago. 'What on earth?'

'What's broken this time?' asked Douglas. 'Are we falling out the sky? Because god knows, that actually might drag me out of the pit of boredom I have sunken into.'

'No. No, nothing's broken. Yet.' said Martin, his voice impressively climbing an octave or two. 'But the ground proximity warning light is on.'

'Well, then, the light's broken.' snorted Douglas, flicking the bulb. 'Fat lot of use that is. Good chance that we actually will fall out of the sky, and never know exactly what was wrong with the old girl.'

'Chaps.' Arthur chipped in, nervously tapping his feet on the floor.

'One second Arthur.' Martin flapped a hand 'Listen, it _is_ vaguely dangerous that we can't tell which warning is true, and which one is GERT-I messing with our heads. Shouldn't we do something?'

'Chaaaps.' Arthur said, a little more loudly.

'One second Arthur.' Said Douglas. 'Well – Martin - we are now flying over a stretch of the Indian ocean which contains a total of no islands, and, so, a total of zero airports. However, if your skills extend to being able to pull a mechanic out of thin air, be my guest and do it.'

'Did someone call for a mechanic being pulled out of thin air?'

Martin and Douglas swiveled around on their chairs, knees knocking together, to stare at the stranger who was standing on the flight deck.

'Hello - I'm the Doctor.'


	2. To infinity and beyond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone realizes they might be in mortal peril - and Arthur's loving it

Martin and Douglas's jaws fell open. A giant blue police box had appeared in the entrance to the Galley, and a purple suited, floppy fringed man lent against it, grinning like a cheshire cat.

'I did try to tell you, chaps.' Arthur piped up.

'Sorry about this.' said the Doctor, seemingly indifferent to the concerned faces glancing up at him. 'Gosh, look at your faces. Ha! You look like a bunch of goldfish. I met a bunch of goldfish in captain’s uniforms once, a very long time ago. Very hostile. Unlike you. You look friendly. I hope. Now - I seem to have got myself in a bit of a pickle. I’m the Doctor, by the way, and this here is the Tardis, skipping the detailed explanation, it's basically an Alien spaceship. Alien technology. Bigger on the inside. And we've just materialized around your aircraft, terribly sorry, but you were just about to fall out of the sky.' 

The Doctor pointed his sonic at the window, and the view of the sky disappeared to be replaced with a strange blue light. He then pointed it down, and the noise of GERT-I'S engines cut out. 

'Sorry, I installed deluders. Didn't want to panic you when we appeared around you, so I made it appear that you were still flying. You're not. Your engines were just about to fail and the Tardis decided to catch you. Her bunker finally came in handy. Never knew why we had a bunker, but hey - lucky we did! Didn't know such thing as a ground proximity warning existed though - I'm a thousand years old and can't fly a plane. I've always meant to learn, but then the earth always needs saving. Which is really annoying, by the way. But anyway, the interesting bit about this situation is that we've also appeared on your flight deck, which means that the Tardis is on the outside - around your plane, but also inside your plane, which is a little bit worrying, but I'm sure I'll soon have everything under control. Probably.'

'Oh.' Douglas' eyes bulged, and although Martin was still in a state of complete shock, he wasn't going to miss the perfect kodak moment that had just presented itself, and took a picture of Douglas' face on his phone.

'Brilliant!' exclaimed Arthur.

The Doctor looked at Arthur. 'Brilliant?'

'Yes, Brilliant! I've always wanted to go on a proper adventure. Are you an alien if you've got that spaceship?'

'Yeah. I am actually. I'm a brilliant alien.' the Doctor beamed.

'How many tentacles do you have?' Arthur was practically vibrating on his seat.

'None, no tentacles. I went through a phase where I did want tentacles surgically implanted so that I’d have a talking point, but - long time ago. So no, no tentacles to worry about.'

Arthur frowned. 'No tentacles? Bit of a rubbish alien.'

'Oi,' said the Doctor. 'I thought we'd decided that I was brilliant?'

'Well obviously everyone's brilliant.' said Arthur.

'Everyone's brilliant?' asked the Doctor. 'The whole human race?'

'People are just fantastic.' said Arthur. 'I love people.'

Martin and Douglas chose that moment to come out of their shock induced stupor. 

'Arthur?' asked Douglas.

'Yeah?'

'Can you hear that?'

'If you're waiting for me to say: hear what? So that you can make one of your witty remarks, I'm going to have to make that point that I'm not being stupid because the Doctor agrees with me.' Arthur nodded at the Doctor.

'Yes, and self-proclaimed one thousand year old aliens that mysteriously appear on aircraft flight decks always know the difference between what is stupid, and what isn't.'

'You know,' said the Doctor. 'You're taking this surprisingly well. Apart from the wide mouthed frog look you had going on a few moments back.'

'Yes, we are, aren't we? Because this is just the kind of unfortunate thing that happens to Martin on a regular basis, so I doubt he’s all that surprised, and as for Arthur – this is just the kind of thing he’d dream up. Meanwhile, I believe that in a few minutes I will either A: wake back in bed, regretting having drunk too much wine the evening before, or B: I will wake up in heaven, surrounded by beautiful women, because GERT-I did in fact, fall out of the sky. Unsurprising really - she is mostly gaffa tape and glue. '

'You know?' said Martin 'I think another five minutes in this cabin with you, and the Doctor's going to discover precisely why the human race isn't as great as he and Arthur think.'

The Doctor looked at Martin. 'Oh, I wouldn't say that. I do like sarcasm. I met Aliens who didn't understand sarcasm at all once, awful creatures, no concept of humor. Got me in kind of a tight spot actually.'

'Anyway - thank you Martin. Your quips amuse me greatly, but alas - I have more pressing questions.' Douglas turned to the doctor. 'I don't exactly understand what this Tardis is, but are you saying that if we go through that door, we will enter the hanger where GERT-I is located, and then find ourselves able climb aboard GERT-I, finding the Tardis again and making it some kind of infinite loop?' 

The Doctor nodded

'Brilliant!'

'No Arthur, far from brilliant.' Said Douglas. 'You see, if it's an infinite loop, we're completely trapped in here. Obviously, I don't care, because I am in fact, dead or sleeping, but if this was actually happening in real life, it would be mildly dangerous.'

'Douglas!' exclaimed Arthur. 'You're alive. Look!' he pinched Douglas. 

'Gosh, thank you Arthur.' said Douglas. 'Now I _know_ I'm awake. What an ingenious tactic.'

'Don't mention it Douglas.' grinned Arthur, under the delusion that he had been incredibly helpful. 'Oh look, a cloud shaped like a rabbit on a pogo stick! That's unusual. Rabbits don't normally do that do they?'

Douglas shook his head. 'Out of interest Doctor, what exactly did cause GERT-I'S engines to fail?'

The Doctor grinned. 'That's where it gets really interesting. Your plane's been sabotaged.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments and kudos are gifts for my soul ^3^
> 
> I apologize for the liberties I've taken as to the way GERT-I's laid out. I don't think she could actually fit the Tardis inside her, but we're going to pretend that she could for the sake of fic. shh. I also apologize for any liberties I've taken with logic. Pretend this makes sense.


	3. Sabotage

‘Sabotaged?’ asked Martin, gaping.

‘Sabotaged, Skip.’ piped up Arthur. ‘You know, where someone messes with something, with the intent of undermining a cause’

‘Yes, thank you Arthur, I know what sabotage is,’ said Martin ‘Although, I’m surprised that you do.’

‘Cheers Skip,’ Arthur grinned ‘I started reading the dictionary. I began at S.’ 

‘But why would you? I mean - Oh never mind.’ Martin turned to the Doctor. ‘Who would sabotage us?’

‘I don’t know.’ the Doctor was smiling as if finding out who would sabotage an aeroplane was his idea of a fun day out. ‘Do you know anyone who would want to cause you harm?’

‘No, no one.’ said Martin.

‘Really Martin?’ asked Douglas, ‘Because, I don’t know, anyone who has encountered Carolyn on a particularly bad day might dislike her enough to consider sabotage.’

‘Yes, but they wouldn’t dislike her enough to kill her! Plus it would have been a bad plan - She’s not even on this flight.’ 

‘Fair point.’

Just then, a girl popped her head out of the Tardis door.

‘Hello everyone. Golly, bit cramped in here.’

‘Ah, Clara, come and say hi. I found friends.’ The Doctor grinned at Clara. ‘This is Douglas, Arthur, and Martin, who - Ah, Martin seems to have gone back to doing his goldfish impression.’

Martin’s jaw had dropped open. The girl - Clara - was cute. Really cute. With massive eyes, and hair that flicked at the end.

‘Close your mouth love, before your jaw drops off. I’m not an alien, I’m a human being.’ Clara smile ‘Look, one head, ten fingers, the usual. Mind you, he’s an alien and he has ten fingers too.’

Douglas looked at Clara. ‘I’m not sure he’s gaping because he thinks you’re an alien.’

‘Oh.’ said Clara.

The Doctor rubbed his hands together. ‘Anyway, where were we? Sabotage. Oh and the whole getting out of this infinite loop without dying thing. That’d be good too I guess.’

‘Oh, it’s lovely to know you’ve got everything under control.’ Clara jabbed a thumb at the Doctor. ‘He hasn’t even invited you inside. C’mon boys. You’re in for a treat.’

Douglas raised an eyebrow. ‘I don’t suppose we could join the pair of you in a second? I need to talk to dumb and dumber here.’

Clara nodded, and pulled the Doctor into the Tardis by his coat sleeve.

‘What is it Douglas?’ Martin frowned.

‘Oh, hello. Regained the correct usage of your mouth, have you?’ Douglas raised an eyebrow. ‘It’s – well – I think there’s a possibility that I’m not actually dreaming.’

‘You could be dreaming.’ Arthur piped up. ‘I once had a dream I went to school naked. That was brilliant fun.’

‘And the intellectual level of this conversation just plummeted through the floor.’ Douglas sighed. ‘Come on then. Let’s go and help the alien fix his spaceship.’

Three of them stepped through the doors, and into the control room.

'Brilliant!' Arthur exclaimed, and bounded over to where the Doctor was standing at a control panel, looking slightly concerned. 

Douglas and Martin meanwhile, were exchanging slightly gobsmacked looks.

'This is...' Martin began.

'It's certainly something.' Douglas agreed. 'Do you recon he'd swap us for GERT-I?'

Martin took the question for rhetorical, although he knew that if Douglas could find a way to swap the Tardis for GERT-I, he would.

'You realise there's no way we can help him fix this?'

Douglas nodded. 'Given as our idea of solving problems is either a: Ignoring them, b: slapping on gaffa tape and crossing our fingers or c: either you or Arthur messing things up to the point that even I find it a struggle to pull you out of the hole you've dug yourselves into, I recommend that our only job should be to restrain Arthur from 'helping.''

They glanced over at Arthur, who was practically vibrating.

'What does that do?' Arthur asked the doctor, pointing at a coat stand in the corner.

'Arthur, it's a coat stand.' Martin said exasperatedly. 'It does what coat stands normally do.'

The Doctor grinned, and stroked the coat stand. It spun once, shrunk down and flattened itself out until it was a metal circle, hovering a couple of feet above the ground. 

'Inquisitiveness is good!' He exclaimed. 'I like Arthur.'

Douglas sighed. 'Whatever you say. Can we actually help you, or were we brought in to stand around and look pretty?

Clara appeared around the side of the control panel ‘You’re mostly here to serve in inflating his ego. He likes to keep someone around to look impressed when he starts spurting  
intelligent solutions at a hundred miles an hour.’

‘Gosh, who do we know who does exactly the same thing?’ Martin smirked at Douglas.

‘No idea what you’re talking about.’

‘Shhhhh.’ hissed the Doctor, pulling back a lever that caused a small explosion of sparks under Martin’s feet. Martin yelped. ‘Oh. That’s what that does! Sorry Martin. This is one of those times where I really wish I’d at least looked at the instruction manual.’

‘You never looked at the instruction manual, but you can still fly your ship?’ Douglas raised an eyebrow. ‘My kind of man. Or sorry – Alien?’

‘Both is good.’ the Doctor waved a hand. ‘At this point, getting us out of this situation is just guess work. Last time I created a temporal explosion, but I need to dematerialize the Tardis out of your flight deck without any kind of explosion this time, given as GERT-I must have quite a bit of highly flammable aviation fuel in her tank and I would like to get out of this without us all turning into a roast dinner.’

‘I’m averse to being turned into a roast dinner myself, so do let us know if we _can ___be of any help.’ Douglas looked over at Martin, who’d removed his shoes to check for fire damage, and to Arthur who had climbed onto the floating metal cylinder and was pretending to ride it like a stationary surfboard. ‘Or rather, do let _me ___know if I can be of any assistance.’

__The Doctor nodded at the control panel, and then shook his head, as if realizing it hadn’t been the Tardis that was talking to him, and turned and nodded at Douglas._ _

__‘Yes! Right!’ he pulled down a lever, and then gestured at Douglas ‘Hold this and don’t allow it to move up, or you might be responsible for our untimely demises.’_ _

__There was a crash as Arthur fell off his ‘surfboard’. Clara chuckled. Douglas sighed pointedly, and grasped the lever._ _

__‘So, I’m thinking, by manipulating GERT-I at a molecular level, using that lever to exert the pressure required.’ The Doctor nodded at Douglas’s hand, ‘I can cause her to drop out of the Tardis’ hanger therefore ridding us of what you could refer to as the outer Tardis shell – picture two soap bubbles, and then a source of infinite power inside one of the bubbles if that helps, which I doubt it will, as it’s a rubbish analogy – leaving only the inner Tardis left on your flight deck. But there’s a problem.’ He squinted, rubbing his hands together nervously._ _

__‘If it doesn’t result in any of us becoming horribly maimed or disfigured, I’m sure it’s not a massive problem.’ Douglas said hesitantly_ _

__‘It would result in GERT-I plummeting deep into the ocean below us, and whilst I could dematerialize the Tardis long before we hit sea level, it would still result in her being fish food.’_ _

__‘Ah.’_ _

__‘Well can’t you do the opposite then?’ Arthur’s voice came from the floor, where he was lying on his back, watching the lights in the Tardis ceiling._ _

__‘I’m not sure any of us are getting your drift.’ Martin replied, ignoring Douglas who was whispering _or will ever get your drift_ under his breath_ _

__‘You know – get rid of the inner Tardis instead. So that the Tardis is only around GERTI, and not on her flight deck.’_ _

__‘He has a point.’ Clara agreed. ‘Why not do that?’_ _

__‘I could do that. But it’s a lot trickier to get a Tardis out from inside a Tardis, rather than to get a Tardis off from around a Tardis. And it’s quite probable that we might end up slightly dead.’_ _

__‘We’re going to end up more than slightly dead if Carolyn finds out that we lost GERT-I because we allowed her to dive bomb into the ocean.’ Douglas pointed out_ _

__‘Don’t you think she’d be more relieved that we were alive, than angry that we lost the plane?’_ _

__‘No Martin, I _don’t_.’ Douglas replied. ‘I do however, have an alternative plan.’_ _

__‘Ok, shoot.’_ _

__‘We go with the original idea of dropping GERT-T out of the hanger – but we fix her up using alien tech first, and then rely on my obviously marvelous piloting skills to start her up mid-air and save us all before we plummet to our collective doom.’_ _

__‘That sounds like a really stupid plan,’ Martin turned to the Doctor ‘Can it be done?’_ _

__‘Well, yes. And the upside is that if we succeeded, you’d have a really cool airplane,’ the Doctor chuckled slightly at Arthur’s exclamation of _brilliant_ ‘but it’s going to put a lot of pressure on Mr Cynical over there. Can he really pull something like that off?’_ _

__‘If I can fly an airplane through the heart of a monsoon whilst causally eating a pack of percy pigs-’_ _

__‘- Which you have _never_ done.’ Martin interjected_ _

__‘-Then I’m fairly confident I can save GERT-I from a watery grave.’_ _

__‘Ok then!’ the Doctor rubbed his hands together like an evil genius trying to keep hold of a particularly slippery bar of soap. ‘I’ll grab the parts you need. I’m thinking we upgrade just about everything. Catch Clara!’ he threw the sonic screwdriver to her._ _

__‘And what am I doing with this?’_ _

__‘Setting 47. Scan the plane top to bottom, so we can figure out how it was sabotaged.’_ _

__‘I’d completely forgotten about the sabotage!’ Arthur exclaimed_ _

__‘You’d completely forgotten that we’re here because somebody attempted – and very nearly succeeded – to kill us?’ Douglas asked scornfully._ _

__‘We’re on an alien spaceship! Playing with alien technology! Talking to an alien that’s going to put and alien things into GERT-I!’_ _

__‘Say alien one more time, I dare you.’_ _

__‘Yes, yes alright.’ Martin frowned at the pair of them. ‘I’ll show Clara around GERT-I-’_ _

__‘Oh will you?’ Douglas raised an eyebrow._ _

__‘Yes, I will. You two help the Doctor grab the stuff he needs.’_ _

____

*~~*~~*

‘Ok, so there’s no obvious problem I can find,’ Clara shook her head, confused. ‘Except-’

‘Yes?’ 

‘There’s something off about the wires, look.’ she moved the screwdriver over a section of wiring, and the buzzing changed to a higher frequency. ‘I don’t know what that’s about, I’ll have to ask the Doctor. Unless-’

‘Unless?’

‘Can I cut out a piece of the wire? I mean, we’re going to fix GERT-I up later, what’s one more little thing to fix?’

Martin nodded. ‘Go for it. I don’t have any scissors on me though, we should probably-’

His sentence tailed off as Clara pointed the sonic at a wire, and a small section fell neatly off. 

‘Ok, so – never mind.’

Clara ran her nail over the plastic casing of the wire, scratching some off to reveal a gold coloured metal. She stared.

‘Shouldn’t these wires be-’

‘Copper? Yes.’

‘So why do they look like this?’

‘Do you mean why does an aircraft that flies on hope and dumb luck rather than aviation fuel happen to have wires that appear, on first inspection, to be made of gold?’

‘Yes.’

‘I have no idea. There’s no way they’re actually gold, I mean-’

‘Martin?’

‘Yes?’

‘They’re made of gold.’ Clara was grinning like she’d beaten Douglas at a game of the travelling lemon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, your kudos and comments feel like big hugs ^3^
> 
> Again, I have no idea how tardis' or airplanes work. I am bullshitting my way through this, please tolerate me.


	4. An Exciting Discovery

‘Look, no offence, but you’ve got to be wrong.’

‘Unlike the Doctor, the sonic never lies. This section at least, is definitely made of gold.’ She scanned the rest of the wiring. ‘Yep. Gold, gold aaand – gold!’

‘Oh.’

‘Would you like to sit down?’

‘Yes.’ Martin fell heavily to the floor, staring at the wiring.

‘So good news then - Your airplane hasn’t been sabotaged, it’s just been full of gold the entire time. It’s like getting a present after being ill isn’t it: Here you go, you didn’t die, have this reward! Of course the present’s existence is probably what caused your near death experience in the first place.’ Clara smiled ‘I can’t wait to tell Douglas that GERT-I is full of gold. Do you want the pleasure, or can I?’

Martin’s eyes brightened up. ‘Oh - let’s make it a team effort.’

\-----------------

Martin and Clara returned to the Tardis control room, to find the Doctor and Douglas frantically tugging at a helmet that appeared to be firmly stuck on Arthur’s head.

‘Oh good!’ exclaimed the Doctor ‘You’re back. We have a slight situation, but everything will be under control shortly.’ He gave another small tug on the helmet, eliciting an _ow!_ from Arthur.

‘Hi Skip!’ said Arthur excitedly. ‘I put a helmet on my head! And now it’s like being in a constant game of blind man’s bluff because there’s something wrong with the front and I can’t see a thing! It’s very exciting. I feel like a spaceman.’ He moved his arms out in front of him, making ghost noises.

‘Whilst your ability to act like a ghost, spaceman and a zombie at the same time is very impressive Arthur, if you don’t keep still, we’re never going to be able to get this off your head.’ Douglas tried gently twisting the helmet, but to no avail ‘and then you can have the pleasure of explaining to your mother exactly why it is that you’re going to look like Buzz Aldrin for the rest of your life.’

Martin winked at Clara, and then leaned casually against the control panel, and looked – he hoped - nonchalantly at Douglas, who frowned.

‘Is there something wrong with your face Martin?’

‘Oh, not at all. Clara and I had some news, but given this situation, I guess it could wait.’ He waved a hand indifferently.

‘What is it Martin?’

‘Nothing! Nothing of great interest, please carry on.’

‘You’ve got that face on.’

‘I haven’t! and also – what face?’

‘That face you wear when you believe you’ve got something to say that one-ups me.’ He sighed, and turned to Clara. ‘What’s going on?’

‘All of the wires on your plane are made of gold.’

Douglas took a step back, tripped over a wire, and went tumbling to the floor, still clutching the Arthur’s head/helmet combination, the helmet part of which popped off neatly when they hit the ground.

‘I can see again!’ Arthur exclaimed. ‘Thanks Douglas!’

‘Er – you’re welcome.’ Douglas got up and dusted himself off, not making eye contact with Martin, who was trying his hardest not to laugh.

‘Elegant.’ remarked Clara.

‘Thanks. What do you mean all of the wires on our plane are made of gold?’

‘I really don’t know how else to put that sentence.’

‘But – how?’

‘I don’t have an answer for you. Just-’ Clara paused ‘Can anyone else hear a phone ringing?’

Martin and Douglas stared at each other in horror.

‘The flight deck phone.’

‘Oh, god, it’s going to be Carolyn.’

‘What do we tell her? - Yeah, sorry we’re late and haven’t contacted you, currently in a spaceship, having been rescued by an alien, and side note: your plane contains a hefty amount of gold.’

‘You’re not going to have to tell her any of that.’ Said the Doctor pointedly.

‘Why? Do you have a half decent lie that we can give her?’ Martin asked desperately.

‘No, it’s just – Arthur’s picked up the phone for you.’ He nodded towards the door, where Arthur was talking at a hundred miles an hour.

‘-and then Douglas falls over! But the helmet came off my head, and you know when you wake up from a dream and it takes a second for reality to come back to you? It wasn’t like that at all, because I’d gone from seeing nothing to seeing the inside of a spaceship again! And then Clara comes in and she’s tells us GERT-I’s full of-’

Martin had run out of the Tardis, and snatched the phone off Arthur.

‘Yes! Carolyn, hello! No, Arthur’s fine. We suspect he’s just had something sneakily to drink off the drinks trolley. You know how kids are these days, haha! Ok, must go now, we’re heading through some turbulence. You might not be able to get hold of us for a while, you know how tricky these airplanes are to fly. Ok, ciao!’ Martin winced as he put the phone down.

‘Nicely done.’ Douglas called from the control room. ‘I see now why you won smooth talker of the year 2014. You’ve probably made the situation _even worse_ ’

‘I know! I’m sorry. But nobody was doing anything and I panicked.’ Martin walked back into the Tardis, resisting the temptation to drag Arthur in by his left ear. ‘You come in here as well idiot.’

‘Right. Doctor.’ Douglas clapped his hands together. ‘This is the first time, and in fact the last time, anyone will ever hear me say these words. You’re in charge. What needs to happen?’

‘Yes, right! We’ve solved the mystery of the sabotage obviously – I was completely wrong. Well partially wrong. Which rarely ever happens. The magnetic field thrown out by the energy sources in the Tardis reacted poorly with the metal in your wires. A metal which, as it happens, is not gold.’

‘I knew it was too good to be true.’ Douglas sighed.

‘It’s something a whole lot more valuable: Faceret. Or that’s the best human version of the word I can think of. The actual name for it sounds like fingernails down a blackboard - I’ve found it to be upsetting when I say it in front of humans. It means _to make_ in latin, which is appropriate, because it’s kind of like the building blocks of the universe. It’s incredibly rare and very – and I mean _phenomenally_ expensive. Imagine lego – this is a good analogy, I’m impressed with myself - In a lego world, you can make anything out of lego: Trees, cats, water. Well, treat this stuff right, and you can do that with it too.’

‘But how is it on our airplane in the first place? GERT-I’s only worth ten pounds and a fredo bar at best.’

‘That is slightly curious. And I have no idea. Faceret originates on a planet in the kustovias region, about 43 billion light years away, so almost at the edge of the observable universe. Which means that a lot of thought has gone onto getting it to earth, and then getting it onto GERT-I. It makes no sense. Do you know who the original owner was?’

‘As far as I know, Arthur’s dad was.’ Douglas smiled reassuringly at Arthur, who had shuddered at the sound of his dad’s name. ‘Gordon Shappey, and we all hope you never have the pleasure of meeting him.’

‘Oh. _Oh!_ ’

‘Are you ok? You sound like an ill seal.’

‘I know that name! Gortorg Shappey. Surname of kustovian royalty – he left his life of riches for adventure, and was never seen again. You know, the usual.’ The Doctor turned to Arthur, a huge grin on his face. ‘Arthur – your dad’s an alien.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so useless, I've been meaning to post this chapter for ages, so here you go!
> 
> Kudos and comments literally make my day, so please feel free to leave them <3


	5. The Final Tentacle

‘No, no, dad’s _Australian_. Not an alien! He’s from Australia!’

Douglas let out a noise that was a mixture between a harsh sigh and a laugh.

The Doctor shook his head. ‘That’s what he might have told you, but trust me, he’s an alien. You know that feeling that some people give you? Like there’s something _off_ about them, but you dismiss the thought, because you know it’s not rational? That’s his-’ The Doctor flailed his hands around, as if trying to grab the right word out of thin air ‘-alien-ness.’

‘I highly doubt Arthur has _ever_ dismissed a thought that seemed irrational.’ Douglas pointed out.

‘Hang on,’ Martin looked at Arthur bemusedly ‘Doesn’t that mean that Arthur’s half alien?’

‘Wow!’ Arthur looked ready to faint. ‘Brilliant! When do my tentacles start growing?’

‘This explains so much.’

‘Anyway.’ Clara tapped delicately on the Tardis control panel ‘Once you lot are all done, you might remember that we’re in a situation of mortal peril?’

The Doctor’s grin was probably wide enough to fly GERT-I through. ‘That’s the best bit. With about a gram of faceret, and one of these.’ He picked up a small metal sphere from the floor ‘I can fix GERT-I so that she will work as if she was brand new _and_ install an anti-grav that will keep her hovering in position until Douglas can fly her back to – where is it you’re heading?’

‘Gatwick.’

‘Until Douglas can fly her back to Gatwick to face the wrath of Arthur’s mother.’

‘Better get cracking then.’

\-----------------------

Half an hour later, The Doctor had successfully dematerialized the Tardis from around the outside of GERT-I, so that the aeroplane was hovering in mid-air, the spaceship was safely stabilized on the flight deck. The five of them were looking out of the window, sipping cups of tea after a job well done.

‘God, I never thought I’d be so grateful to see clouds again.’ Said Douglas

‘I’ll remind you of that next time we have to divert around a thunderstorm.’

‘Don’t ruin this tranquil moment Martin.’

‘That one looks like a tentacle!’ Arthur did a little jump of excitement, and Martin took it upon himself to hastily remove the cup of hot liquid from Arthur’s grasp.

‘So, what’s the plan now?’ Martin turned to The Doctor.

‘You lot fly back to Gatwick, and we’ll meet you there, and help move all the faceret off GERT-I. I’ll need to find somewhere we can sell it safely – I think I heard of an auction taking place on the moon that might be worth looking into. And of course, somehow, you have to gently explain this whole situation to Carolyn.’

‘Oh goodie.’ Douglas had a look of excitement on his face that normally meant he was up to something truly diabolical.

‘Gently being the keyword here.’

‘I will be as gentle and delicate as the ultra-light feather pillows I plan to be sleeping on when I get the money from this auction.’

Martin snorted. ‘Here, I’ll take these for you.’ He gathered up the empty mugs, and nodded at the Doctor and Clara. ‘Go on, we’ll see you shortly.’

‘Missing you already.’ Clara gave the three of them hugs, and then followed the Doctor into the Tardis. They watched as it dematerialized, the _vworp vworp_ echoing around the flight deck.

\----------

‘Are you ready?’ Douglas asked.

Martin, Douglas and Arthur were standing outside the cabin, bracing themselves to face Carolyn.

‘As I’ll ever be.’

Martin pushed open the door, and ended up almost hitting a raging mad Carolyn in the face.

‘Crap! I didn’t realize –‘

‘What. The. _Hell_. You really better have a good story. I am so _very_ close to becoming a triple murderer. No word from you three for the best part of a _entire day_ , and before that, all I have to go on is a phone call that sounds like you’ve been inhaling the extra oxygen on board GERT-I for a quick high. I couldn’t get anything out of air traffic control, I’ve been ringing the flight deck phone off the hook – which none of you bothered to answer, and I’m going to need a very – and I mean _extremely_ \- good explanation as to why the _hell_ I shouldn’t fire all of you this instant.’

The three of them took a step back.

‘We’ve faced almost certain doom today at the hands of an alien masquerading as a human in a spaceship that looks like an Andy Warhol drawing, but I am definitely more scared right now.’

‘And apparently my best pilot, who hasn’t drunken in years, has decided to skip the alcohol and start doing crack.’

‘Look, Carolyn, you want the truth? Your ex-husband is an alien, making your son half alien, he hid a priceless amount of extremely rare metal on GERT-I, which caused us to break down when we came into contact with a space-time travelling alien called the Doctor, meaning we spent half of yesterday in mortal peril, making us so late. We’re sorry.’

‘Right. You lot listen really very bloody closely. I keep you all on a very long leash, which has turned out to be a mistake. You are all in a seriously _unimaginable_ amount of trouble -’

‘Uh, Carolyn.’ Douglas interrupted ‘Look behind you.’

Carolyn looked as if she might actually punch him, but turned anyway, where she came face to face with the Doctor.

‘Hello,’ he said. ‘I’m the Doctor. How exactly does being the proud owner of ten billion pounds sound to you?’

‘I-’

‘Brilliant!’ exclaimed Arthur.

Everyone in the small cabin looked at him, and he cheerily waved with at them with a hand that he had transformed into a large purple tentacle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter to this weird rollercoaster that was this fic
> 
> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are like cups of coffee for the soul, and I will love you forever if you leave them


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